My heart is in a constant state of peril. To love so deeply, but to know how dangerous that can be is a curse unlike any other. I see so many people who care so much they end up locking those feelings inside. They reject the world and all the pain that comes with it. They tell themselves they just have thick skin, when in reality they've given up on the good that exists in this world. They forget that there are people, like me, who don't want you to suuffer.
I don't want to see you in pain. I don't want to see you longing for a listening ear. I don't want you to ever feel like this world is a lost cause. In my pain I'll inspire you. With my blood I'll paint you a masterpiece unlike the world has ever seen. And I'll let you use my soul to bind yourself to this Earth once again. Take my pride, and be amazed by who you are. Take my love, and share it with the world. Tear my eyes from skull if it'll help you see things clearer. You are made of a billion positive thoughts that spring you into action. Take what you must...
And give. Give me your pain, I don't need to feel the warm sun as much as you do. Give me your chains, I didn't need freedom to be at peace. Give me your tears, let them drown me in the rivers that once flooded your dark corners. Take from me, give to me, and run. Let my last breath say run. Let the last thing I see be your sweet smile as you embrace your new beginning. Let my eyes guide you into the light.
Monday, March 16, 2020
To A Stranger
To a Stranger,
Maybe one day I'll send this to you, maybe one day I'll be able to read it to you. My only hope is that one day you'll have enough compassion to see how much I cared. Maybe I cared too much, maybe I didn't care enough. I beat myself up hoping that one day we'll talk again, and I'll be able to call you friend. If too much time passes, and that reality seems like it's long since passed, I will find a way to get this letter to you. Not because I have to, not because I want to plead with you, but because if I don't, I'll go to my grave with the regret of knowing I failed you in my last breath.
I think it means so much to me, because you mean so much to me. Don't ask me what complications I have, because that's a list that goes on for what seems like a lifetime. You feel like family. Like the other half of my soul. Not in a romantic way, more in a sense of there's no communication needed. I could never tell if that's how you felt too, but some days it felt like it. Like we were just young and hapy and free. I think I took that for granted some days. The days when we'd just drive and listen to music for hours for no reason. We knew we were just going with the moment. The times when we'd tell each we needed each other, not because we needed a relationship, because we needed someone who understood our souls. I needed someone who would call me out for the stupid things I did, and you needed someone to tell you that you weren't as cold as you'd let on.
I think my blind faith in you is what made me take you for granted. I held you to a standard of excellence that not even I could reach. I believed with every fiber of my being that I need you to be this crutch for me, that when you left I fell, very hard onto the ground. I was bitter, and I was angry, and I blamed you for who I already was before you. But when I think back, and I remember your impurities, and your complications, I realize I loved those too. I loved being able call you friend. Not because there was any benefit to it, and on several occasions I was told it was a waste of my time to even try to be a positive influence on you. But what they never understood was that you were my positive influence, even now. When I'm feeling not myself, I think of how much time you put into making me see how I was losing myself at the time. I remember your effort. Even though I never understood what made you leave, your impact has lasted.
I regret ever holding your past against you, I regret being so selfish, and I regret using you as someone to vent to when you had your own life going on. All the times you said you needed me in your life, and did what you could to prove it, and I had nothing to offer you in return. My soul hurts at the thought of how awful I must have been. But right now, my soul hurts for you. My words are only a glimpse into the pain I get from knowing that there is nothing I can do except pray for you. I can't ask you how you're doing, I can't ask if you want to come visit, I can't make plans with you, I even hesitate to show pictures of us to anyone out of fear that it'd push you away even more.
If you could see me now, I hope you'd see the person you helped changed. I hope you see the friend you once held so dear to your heart, and understand that everything I did before now were the decisions of an ignorant, and selfish child. It's not an excuse, but maybe it'd give you a reason to try again, for me. But then again, maybe you'd think me naive for helping too much. Maybe you'd wonder why I even care at all. Why I won't just let it go. My reason is that genuine people are a once in a lifetime find, and I'll bleed out before I go out without fighting for those I love. I'll live in torturous pain before I let those closest to my heart go without knowing why they meant so much to me.
The feeling is like a chasm between us, but I'm trying to build a bridge by myself. I know without your help it'll never be successful, or even happen, but I keep trying in vain. Why? Because if I don't keep trying, I give up. And giving up on you was never something I was good at, and nothing has changed in that area. So I'll continue to build the bridge from my side, in the hopes that my last breath will complete the bridge.
You know I always enjoyed writing books. You're the reason Love & War is scarred into my wrist, and the reason why I'll never go back to who I used to be. You made me fierce, You made me strong, but mostly you made me sincere. If I ever get to see you again, I want to hug you like I lost you, and tell you I'm sorry. But I do know that life is cruel, and I know you don't owe me a thing. So, to a stranger, if I ever get to read thee words to you, I'd consider it an honor. But if I don't, and our paths never cross again, I swear on my life, that I will get this to you. I will make sure you knew that until my dying breath I fought for you. Because someone needed to..
Maybe one day I'll send this to you, maybe one day I'll be able to read it to you. My only hope is that one day you'll have enough compassion to see how much I cared. Maybe I cared too much, maybe I didn't care enough. I beat myself up hoping that one day we'll talk again, and I'll be able to call you friend. If too much time passes, and that reality seems like it's long since passed, I will find a way to get this letter to you. Not because I have to, not because I want to plead with you, but because if I don't, I'll go to my grave with the regret of knowing I failed you in my last breath.
I think it means so much to me, because you mean so much to me. Don't ask me what complications I have, because that's a list that goes on for what seems like a lifetime. You feel like family. Like the other half of my soul. Not in a romantic way, more in a sense of there's no communication needed. I could never tell if that's how you felt too, but some days it felt like it. Like we were just young and hapy and free. I think I took that for granted some days. The days when we'd just drive and listen to music for hours for no reason. We knew we were just going with the moment. The times when we'd tell each we needed each other, not because we needed a relationship, because we needed someone who understood our souls. I needed someone who would call me out for the stupid things I did, and you needed someone to tell you that you weren't as cold as you'd let on.
I think my blind faith in you is what made me take you for granted. I held you to a standard of excellence that not even I could reach. I believed with every fiber of my being that I need you to be this crutch for me, that when you left I fell, very hard onto the ground. I was bitter, and I was angry, and I blamed you for who I already was before you. But when I think back, and I remember your impurities, and your complications, I realize I loved those too. I loved being able call you friend. Not because there was any benefit to it, and on several occasions I was told it was a waste of my time to even try to be a positive influence on you. But what they never understood was that you were my positive influence, even now. When I'm feeling not myself, I think of how much time you put into making me see how I was losing myself at the time. I remember your effort. Even though I never understood what made you leave, your impact has lasted.
I regret ever holding your past against you, I regret being so selfish, and I regret using you as someone to vent to when you had your own life going on. All the times you said you needed me in your life, and did what you could to prove it, and I had nothing to offer you in return. My soul hurts at the thought of how awful I must have been. But right now, my soul hurts for you. My words are only a glimpse into the pain I get from knowing that there is nothing I can do except pray for you. I can't ask you how you're doing, I can't ask if you want to come visit, I can't make plans with you, I even hesitate to show pictures of us to anyone out of fear that it'd push you away even more.
If you could see me now, I hope you'd see the person you helped changed. I hope you see the friend you once held so dear to your heart, and understand that everything I did before now were the decisions of an ignorant, and selfish child. It's not an excuse, but maybe it'd give you a reason to try again, for me. But then again, maybe you'd think me naive for helping too much. Maybe you'd wonder why I even care at all. Why I won't just let it go. My reason is that genuine people are a once in a lifetime find, and I'll bleed out before I go out without fighting for those I love. I'll live in torturous pain before I let those closest to my heart go without knowing why they meant so much to me.
The feeling is like a chasm between us, but I'm trying to build a bridge by myself. I know without your help it'll never be successful, or even happen, but I keep trying in vain. Why? Because if I don't keep trying, I give up. And giving up on you was never something I was good at, and nothing has changed in that area. So I'll continue to build the bridge from my side, in the hopes that my last breath will complete the bridge.
You know I always enjoyed writing books. You're the reason Love & War is scarred into my wrist, and the reason why I'll never go back to who I used to be. You made me fierce, You made me strong, but mostly you made me sincere. If I ever get to see you again, I want to hug you like I lost you, and tell you I'm sorry. But I do know that life is cruel, and I know you don't owe me a thing. So, to a stranger, if I ever get to read thee words to you, I'd consider it an honor. But if I don't, and our paths never cross again, I swear on my life, that I will get this to you. I will make sure you knew that until my dying breath I fought for you. Because someone needed to..
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